Life is like a box of chocolates...

Do you ever get scared of saying something out loud because you are afraid you might jinx it??? Well that is apparently what I have done for this year. I am not giving up on this being a good year. I am still hoping for things to turn around, and really its only been a bad couple of days.


We moved into our new house January 1st. I am happy about it, but moving = stress. I can handle that though no biggie. Then come to find out I will most likely be losing my job in about 2 weeks. There is a chance that wont happen, but  2 weeks will come quick and if I do loose my job then what!?!? That = major stress!!!!
I would like to say I would collect unemployment and stay home with Payton for a while and just take it easy, but that wont happen if I want to pay my car payment, electric bill, get food for my family, you know that kind of stuff. I cant even afford to collect unemployment.  I was completely ripped off by someone that was suppose to be my friend. I wont get into those details, but geez this is all getting to be to much! Our plan was to go to the Dr. in January to see about having another baby, and now that is not going to happen. Brennan has the flu, and I feel like I could go on and on.

 I really dont know how to handle stress. I am not good at it. When things start happening that I cant control I start to freak out, just a little bit, but then something else happens, and something else, and finally all I know how to do is act like a crazy person that has no idea where life is taking me. I know things could be worse. They could be much worse, and really this is life. I know you have to have hard times to know the good, but I really don't like this part. I read this poem today and I know I just have to trust in God and know that what happens is for the best and try to figure out what I am suppose to learn. I really liked this poem so I decided to share it.
 

by Debra Cornelius

Each day brings new situations to be faced.
In sleep the cares of yesterday
have not been erased.
Worries of days past and present
I grasp firmly in hand.
Pushing aside all reminders
Of God's gracious plan.
Weary I struggle to face another day.
With my plans in ruin and my strength gone.
In quiet despair I try hard to hold on.
In the midst of life's storm,
I cling to all I hold dear.
When suddenly a still small
voice I do hear.
"Behold I am with you
where ever you stray.
My strength will carry you
I will make a way."
Fierce winds must listen when He says,
"Peace, Be Still".
I've only to trust HIM in all of my ways.
Surrender my plans to His perfect will.

Thanks for letting me vent.

#8 A Recipe

I am sitting here on the couch and thinking about the Holidays and the upcoming New Year. I have decided that this new year is going to be a happy one. All of the stresses of the last 2 years have come to an end. Brennan has a good job, we are moving into a new house (next door) on Jan 1st, and we are all healthy. It is time to stop being sad about losing Michelle. I need to celebrate her life, and the memories we have and trust in the faith of being together again. There is so much to be happy and thankful for.

So my recipe for the New Year is:


A Happy Life

4 cups love
5 spoons of hope
2 cups loyalty
2 spoons tenderness
3 cups forgiveness
4 quarts faith
1 cup family/friendship
1 barrel of laughter

Take love and loyalty, mix thoroughly with faith. Blend it with tenderness, kindness and understanding. Add family/friendship and hope, sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Bake it with sunshine. Serve daily with generous helpings

I have learned that happiness is not the materials in life. Its the friendships made, the time spent with family. When all things come to an end, we start and end with family. And I am so thankful for mine!

Wishing every one a Happy New Year with much love and happiness.

#7 A Song to Match My Mood and Why

Tonight is Dec 4th. Brennan, Payton, and I are celebrating Christmas in the morning. Payton and I will be in Utah for the real Christmas and Brennan will stay here in Arizona since he has to work. I feel bad leaving Brennan for Christmas and separating our family. I am not sure if it is the right thing to do, but this year is different for my Family. This year on December 20th will be 1 year since Michelle, my sister, passed away.

  Before bed I took Payton in the kitchen, got some of my Grandmas homemade cookies, and a small handful of carrots and tried to explain to him that we were leaving them out for Santa and his reindeer. He seemed so excited!  Brennan and I wrapped his gifts and put them under the tree. Although Payton is 2 this is the 1st time Brennan and I have done this. So this year should be so fun, so exciting...

But I cant get myself in the Christmas spirit. Its sad this year. It brings back the memories of last year.

We were in Utah the secound week of November. We had a big Thanksgiving dinner that my Mom made and everyone was there. McKenzie came from Florida. I dont think we had all been together for Thanksgiving since before I got married so 7 years. It was then I saw for myself how rapidly Michelles cancer had progressed. It was horrible seeing her that way. She walked around with one eye closed since she had double vision, and had a hard time balancing. Bryan would help her down the stairs and getting her up. It seemed like sugar was always on her mind. She wanted sweets and lots of them. She had gained a bit of weight because of the steroids that she was on, and she didn't talk really at all. It was sad. It was hard to hold back the tears seeing her that way. I knew the day we left, watching her standing by the front door that  would probably be the last time I would ever see her. I cried the whole way home.

After that, my parents would keep me updated on Michelles conditions. Always telling me that she wasn't doing very good, but never giving me details or the whole story. I dont remember the date. In the first or second week of December sometime is when I got the call from my parents telling me that the Dr.'s had told Michelle  that there was nothing else they could do for her.  I didnt know what to say, I didn't know what to do. My Mom was crying and I was crying. At this point Michelle had a really hard time talking so she didnt talk on the phone much. I texted her that I loved her and that when she was ready I was here to talk. Even though I was dreading the conversation. 3 days later she called me. We had a short but sweet conversation. I told her not to give up, that there was still things we could do. I told her I loved her and hung up the phone. That was the last time I ever talked to her.

On Dec.19 Brennan, Payton, and I left for Utah. McKenzie had already been there for a couple days and had warned me that things were getting bad. Michelle had been having seizures and they were getting worse and harder for Michelle to come out of them. Little did I know that I would get there to late. She died the next day at 12:00 in the afternoon. I didn't get to tell her goodbye. I didn't get to see her one last time. That for me is so hard.

So back to the topic of a song to match my mood.....

I  am "dreaming of a white Christmas". Just like the ones I used to know... but those are gone and will never be again. I know in time Christmas will be a happy time with lots of happy memories and not just the memories of what we have lost.  I have a sweet little boy who deserves a magical Christmas and needs me. I can look into his sweet eyes and see hope and happiness. This Christmas we will have two empty seats at the dinner table. Michelle's and my Grandpas. I know they will be together this Christmas, and one day we will all be together again. And that is something to look forward to.

#6 An Animal I Would Like to Have as a Pet

Fourth of July 2 years ago I was in Sandy visiting Michelle and my Parents and we went to some kind of carnival thing. In one of the booths they were selling the cutest little things I have ever seen. They are called Sugar Babies.

These little things sleep during the day. So you put them in a little fleece purse and carry them with you. It is the cutest thing! Then during the night I would put them in a cage, but as you can see in the picture above they are able to jump and glide around. The lady at the booth told me just to put a food bowl on the counter and let them glide around the house all night. I just dont think I can do that. I had bunnies that I thought would be fun to just hop around the house and I learned that animals dont really care where they poop, and it is nasty. I dont need anything else pooping where ever it pleases. So for me my little sugar baby would have to stay in a cage.
These little animals were $200, not including the "purse", food, or cage. I told Brennan that I wanted one. He was not at the booth with me when I saw them. He said  NO WAY!!! So I took him to the booth to see them and then he of course wanted one too!!!  We were at that booth for a good 15 20 minutes before my Dad dragged us away!
Even though I do still want one of these sugar babies, I dont want one any time in the near future. I have enough to take care of right now. I think this will be a good idea when my kid(s) are older and dont need me for so much. I learned from the bunnies that the 3 dogs I have a more then enough!

#5 A Picture of Me 2 Years Ago

This picture was taken 2 years and about 2 weeks ago. I had just had Payton 3 months before and we were visiting my family in Utah. This was on a Sunday, the day after Payton was blessed. He looked so cute in his little outfit. I will always remember how proud I was of Brennan for giving Payton his blessing. He was so nervous. He did a great job.

I look at this picture and cant believe how fast time goes by. So much has happened in just 2 years!

Brennan works at the Kingman jail as a detention officer. He also has a upholstery business that has been open for about 2 years.  He never has time for himself. Constantly going from one place to the other. Trying to get a few hours sleep here and there, and still making time to be with Payton and I. We have a great life and I know it is because of all the hard work Brennan does for us. I am so grateful.  

Payton is no longer my little baby, he is now a little boy. Having him in my life has brought me more happiness than anything else I will ever know. I love watching him learn and grow. Figuring things out and seeing that to every action there is a reaction. I see so much of both me and Brennan in him. He truly is the best of both of us.

I also have come a long way in 2 years. I still don't know what I am doing most of the time as a mother and wife, but I am hoping that I see my mistakes and learn from them. To me family is the most important thing in the whole world, and I love them so much. I love the song "Life's a Dance" by John Michael Montgomery the chorus says:

 

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go 

 

I don't know everything, and I know it's okay. If I have learned anything in the last 2 years it that life is precious. Be with the ones you love and always let them know you love them. Life is to short not to be happy. Don't always focus on what you don't have. Think of all that you do have.

 

There is so much to be grateful for!

 

 

#4 20 of My Favorite Things

20 of my favorite things.... (Not in any order of importance or  most favorite)

1- Snowbird, Utah. Look forward to it every year
2- Sleep
3- Back massages. Even though I think it is a rare occasion that I even get one.
4- Candles and melts ( Especially fall and Christmas scents)
5- Shopping
6- Being tan. Even though because of recent events being tan is something that I love and also fear.
7- Being a Mom
8- Cooking. Something that everyone loves... or should I say being appreciated for my cooking.
9- Cuddling on the couch watching a movie and if it makes me cry that is even better.
10- The smell of coffee in the morning. (Nobody in my house drinks coffee, but when I do smell it, it brings back all the memories of growing up and smelling my Dad's coffee. I love it. I have bought coffee scented candles, but it is not the same.)
11- Seeing Brennan and Payton after a long day of work.
12- My Moms buttermilk pancakes.
13- Hearing my sons voice
14- Shopping in the malls at Christmas time. I know most people hate it that time of year, but I love the crowds, the music, the smells... Just everything about it!
15- Blankets
16- Belting out one of my favorite songs while driving in the car, with Brennan singing as my back up! I love that! I am sure we could win Americas Funniest Videos if someone taped it with out us knowing.  Our favorite song is"Why haven't I heard from you" by Reba.
17- Having a clean house. (Not just picked up)
18- Zumba-( just recently)
19- Seeing my family after missing them so much!
20- Reading a book by Nicolas Sparks

#3 My Best Friend

When I first saw this topic I started to wonder who my best friend was??? I thought of Lindsay, my best friend since I was a little girl, I thought about my Mom, or sister McKenzie. I also thought about my sisters-in-law Meagan and Devan. Then it hit me...

HELLO! What about my husband?!?!?

Brennan IS my best friend with out a doubt. No question in my mind. He is the one person in this world that knows me better than anyone else. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I even know myself. He has always been there for me. In the good times and the bad he is always there with a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on if I needed it.

I am so grateful for Brennan in my life. He has worked so hard for our family. He is the best father I could ever ask for, a role model, and my hero. Who could ask for a better best friend?

I LOVE YOU BRENNAN!