Before bed I took Payton in the kitchen, got some of my Grandmas homemade cookies, and a small handful of carrots and tried to explain to him that we were leaving them out for Santa and his reindeer. He seemed so excited! Brennan and I wrapped his gifts and put them under the tree. Although Payton is 2 this is the 1st time Brennan and I have done this. So this year should be so fun, so exciting...
But I cant get myself in the Christmas spirit. Its sad this year. It brings back the memories of last year.
We were in Utah the secound week of November. We had a big Thanksgiving dinner that my Mom made and everyone was there. McKenzie came from Florida. I dont think we had all been together for Thanksgiving since before I got married so 7 years. It was then I saw for myself how rapidly Michelles cancer had progressed. It was horrible seeing her that way. She walked around with one eye closed since she had double vision, and had a hard time balancing. Bryan would help her down the stairs and getting her up. It seemed like sugar was always on her mind. She wanted sweets and lots of them. She had gained a bit of weight because of the steroids that she was on, and she didn't talk really at all. It was sad. It was hard to hold back the tears seeing her that way. I knew the day we left, watching her standing by the front door that would probably be the last time I would ever see her. I cried the whole way home.
After that, my parents would keep me updated on Michelles conditions. Always telling me that she wasn't doing very good, but never giving me details or the whole story. I dont remember the date. In the first or second week of December sometime is when I got the call from my parents telling me that the Dr.'s had told Michelle that there was nothing else they could do for her. I didnt know what to say, I didn't know what to do. My Mom was crying and I was crying. At this point Michelle had a really hard time talking so she didnt talk on the phone much. I texted her that I loved her and that when she was ready I was here to talk. Even though I was dreading the conversation. 3 days later she called me. We had a short but sweet conversation. I told her not to give up, that there was still things we could do. I told her I loved her and hung up the phone. That was the last time I ever talked to her.
On Dec.19 Brennan, Payton, and I left for Utah. McKenzie had already been there for a couple days and had warned me that things were getting bad. Michelle had been having seizures and they were getting worse and harder for Michelle to come out of them. Little did I know that I would get there to late. She died the next day at 12:00 in the afternoon. I didn't get to tell her goodbye. I didn't get to see her one last time. That for me is so hard.
So back to the topic of a song to match my mood.....
I am "dreaming of a white Christmas". Just like the ones I used to know... but those are gone and will never be again. I know in time Christmas will be a happy time with lots of happy memories and not just the memories of what we have lost. I have a sweet little boy who deserves a magical Christmas and needs me. I can look into his sweet eyes and see hope and happiness. This Christmas we will have two empty seats at the dinner table. Michelle's and my Grandpas. I know they will be together this Christmas, and one day we will all be together again. And that is something to look forward to.
I cried through this whole post :( It was so touching. Thanks for sharing that.
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